MOBI Ö DOC Fifty Shades of Grey 9781612130293

BOOK Fifty Shades of Grey

MOBI Ö DOC Fifty Shades of Grey 9781612130293 Æ When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey she encounters a man who is beautiful brilliant and intimidating The unworldly innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and despite his enigmatic reserve finds she is desperate to Eed to control When the couple embarks on a daring passionately physical affair Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desiresErotic amusing and deeply moving the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you possess you and stay with you foreverThis book is intended for mature audienc Head's up If any of you fuckers comment at the bottom of this review and say You don't understand BDSM I will hunt you down and make you eat your computer plus the mouse plus the keyboard plus any other internet connected devices in your home including but not limited to iPhones iPods iPads Androids games consoles and ereaders This book is not an accurate or healthy portrayal of a real BDSM relationship between two consensual and enthusiastic parties Thus by defending it as such you are doing a disservice to the actual culture of BDSM no kinkshaming So don't fuck with me and try to pull that shitOh also there will be a substantial amount of cussing throughout this review If you care about the sanctity of your virgin eyes then shut down your computer and go do something else We are all grown ass adults and this is the internet If you're going to come over and here and lecture me about swearing then I'd advise that you PIPE the fuck down and stop being so bloody delicate Alrighty then You guessed it guys it's story timeWhen I was thirteen I decided I wanted to be an author For years I'd chattered away about being an architect or a vet or what have you but who was I kidding? All I ever wanted to do was write So I sat down and I did I did writeI'm actually not shitting you I thought it would be as easy as sitting down and writing some crap on Wordpad alright calm down this was the noughties and I wrote a lot of crap I tried to write a play and then I tried poetry and then I wrote short stories before eventually expanding into novels Novels is a stretch I wrote about a hundred single spaced pages and to my present day horror made my family read it And they actually did Remember all those embarrassingly awful school projects you did when you were thirteen? Or even just those embarrassingly awful things you did in general when you were thirteen? I feel the same level of shame when I think of my little preteen self handing this pile of shit over to my sister and thinking I actually had somethingAbout a year later with zero knowledge of how publishing works I posted it straight into a bunch of indie publisher's slushpiles A vanity publisher replied to me and told me they didn't want my work and I did the undoable I argued with themAs I write this I'm practically convulsing with embarrassment Vanity Publisher if you're reading this please forget I ever existed But if you can't do that at least give me an alias when you tell all your friends about that dumb kid who sent you the book about pyromania without having done any researchIn some ways having read this book I finally feel like I identify with that vanity publisher I read someone's irredeemable shit and hated it but then they tried to defend it and I got so mad I broke a window with my facePeeps if you think EL James hasn't tried to defend this shit then you need to get on YouTube and watch some pleading vids from the publisherI justI haven't read a book this awful since Revealing Eden but let's not open that can of worms It was like an acid trip Am I reading this I thought? Is this actually a published book? Are people actually parting with money for this slab of steaming garbage?I feel like this book insulted me really I feel like it spat in my face because what reader respecting author would create a protagonist this redundant and awe inspiringly dense expecting an audience to love and respect her? It's as if someone took an ice cream scoop and relieved Ana of her brain How could you? Why would you? Why is she?I justI have no words I have no words to explain this protagonist None at all I have to say about the love interest who's like a threatening Charles Manson but with only one brainwashed follower Ana This guy goes to the hardware store and buys like chains and lime and shit and Ana doesn't think this is weird?What the fucking fuck?And of course there's the whole inner goddess shit and Ana thinking that it's sexy to wear a chunky knit sweater and be strapped into a vehicle and then using the word vagina during a sex scene Oh he touched my vaginaYeah excuse me while I tame my bonerI felt so uncomfortable reading this book Now let's be honest here I read porn Of course I read porn Anyone over sixteen who says they've never looked at or read porn is talking out of their ass But this book made me feel uncomfortable and here's the kicker I read it alone I was reading it alone in my living room and I felt uncomfortable inside my own head What the fuck does that tell you?I don't want to start yammering on about the way this book is written It's written like horrendous fanfiction There are spelling and punctuation errors stupid turns of phrase random asides stilted dialogue awful physical descriptions weird pacing and I don't know like a thousand instances of brand dropping and band naming which gives the book this bizarre cheap and dated uality that really takes away from what little redeeming features it might have hadWhat are the redeeming features? I don't know The blurb sounds interesting That's about itBut what is it about this book that's captured the attention of so many millions of people across the world? The absurdly stupid protagonist? The pushy obsessive totally unrealistic love interest? The relationship in which only one party is actually interested in BDSM and the other is incredibly resistant to it but is forced into it? The terrible writing? The awful cover art? The cheap thin binding? A story so convoluted so ridiculous so totally immature it could only ever have been born from Twilight? There is nothing enjoyable about this book This book is garbage There are no two ways about it it is shit Awful awful shit And I'm not sorry for saying so This is my fucking opinion and I'm damn well going to voice it This book can kiss my ass

E.L. James ✓ Fifty Shades of Grey TEXT

When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey she encounters a man who is beautiful brilliant and intimidating The unworldly innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and despite his enigmatic reserve finds she is desperate to get close to him Unable to resist You know I was beginning to wonder if I needed to change some of my two star books to one star I was thinking that I might not ever personally read a book worthy of one star and I was messing up my scale by giving some of the lame books I've read lately two stars instead of oneThank you EL James for proving to me there was something worth waiting for Something that truly exemplifies the meaning of terribleNow hold up all you would be defenders I read this whole thing I did not skip anything I did not skim I read every word I bought this book with the intention of giving it the benefit of the doubt You see I love erotica and I'm not ashamed to say that I both read as you see on my 2012 books I've already read two others and write it myself So I was thinking to myself oh maybe there's a possibility that even though this is a twi fiction rewrite and even though everyone makes fun of it it could still be a fun little guilty pleasure read that I can laugh along withNONONONOThis book is NOT eroticsexy funny even ironically endearing full of sexual taboosThis book IS repetitive plotless well you knew that painful to get through depicting manipulative controlling and self destructive as desirable how to not write a novel how to gain success by using other people's characters barely changing them and then laughing all the way to the bankMost people know about the twilight matchups so I'm not going to go into too much detail but it was actually uite sickening how lazy she was to change ANY story detailsBella Anastasia a clumsy girl who grew up in Arizona Las Vegas with her mother then moved to Forks Vancouver Washington where her dad stepdad lives while her mother lives with her new husband in Florida Georgia She has a younger friend named Jacob Jose with a crush on her and whose dad is friends with her dad because they are fishing partners and police force army buddies and who gave her his old truck VW beetleEdward Christian who is adopted and has a sibling named Emmett Elliott and a sister named Alice Mia also adopted who live with their parents Carlisle Carrick really? CARRICK? We couldn't even change the first three letters? and Esme Grace Their father mother is a doctor Rose Kate and Jasper Ethan are also siblings in this story but have been changed to be friends of Anastasia since in Twilight they already have a convenient different last name than the other CullensAlso he 'dazzles' herI can't even function over the fact that upon preparing this book for publishing she couldn't change one fucking thing to make it even remotely different That was too hard TOO DAMN HARD The similarities in character are so untouched that I am sincerely appalled that she thought it 'different' enough to publish as is It's uite disgustingAlright continuing on and once again I'm sure you've heard this already this book is terribly written Most notably the lack of ability to describe anything other than the few choice phrases she knows how to type He ran his hands through his hair I bit my lip He told me not to bite my lip Oh jeez He grabbed me by the chin to make me look up at him Holy crap I peeked up at him Lather rinse repeat Over And over And over For 500 pages Then there's the case of multiple personality disorder where she hears the voices of two distinct other pieces of herself in her head The subconscious the one telling her she's not good enough and the inner goddess the one that's all into the sex It's strange because I'm also currently reading a book right now Deadline where the main character hears a voice in his head because he is literally insane and it's written almost the exact same way he talks back to his voice who presents herself in italics just as Anastasia talks back to her two italics voices It's funny because she's supposed to be completely normal and yet shares the same schizophrenic tendencies as a book about someone who is completely insane This is sense Check out this awesome short paragraph from chapter 24“Through the haze of light I suint and see Christian leaning over me smiling Amused Amused at me Dressed In black”What are these fragments four in a row What is this punctuation GASP AT HIM BEING CLOTHED Is this supposed to be poetry?Let me add some line breaks for poetic interestThrough the haze of light I suint and see Christian leaning over me Smiling Amused Amused at me Dressed In blackThat's almost betterLet's have another shall we from chapter 24 once “I didn't put that song on my iPod” he says casually and puts his foot down so that I am thrown back into my seat as the car accelerates along the freeway What? He knows what he's doing the bastard Who did? And I have to listen to Britney going on and on Whowho?The song ends and the iPod shuffles to Damien Rice being morunful Who? Who? I stare out the window my stomach churning Who?SAY WHO AGAIN BITCH JUST TRY IT I DARE YOUOkay and now maybe even worse than the writing oh hell nothing's worse than the writing nevermind is the lack of plot Now once again you already know this Do I even need to tell you nothing happens? Seeing as it's based off of a book where nothing happens you can be guaranteed that as we go one step removed even less happens Here is the part where I apologize to Twilight where I said in my page by page commentary below that 50 Shades was entertaining I was at the very beginning I was young and naïve I didn't realize I'm sorry You know how The Office kind of got bad after Jim and Pam got together because there was really nothing you were waiting for after that? This happens by likechapter 2 You're likeokaywhat now we jut have to watch them whine as a couple for the next zillion pages? Okay I can't even fathom that there are two other books written about this couple I literally want to open the window and invite birds to eat my eyes out as punishment for buying and reading this bookAnd now for a bit of tiddlybits I'm going to share some information on storywriting that you guys might find interesting and will help show exactly why 50 Shades has zero plot I went to school for film and we had story development classes One thing we were beaten over the head with about is something called the 7 Sentence Story This will help for any writers that are writing their books to be cinematic or would like their novel to be considered for film purposes this is by no means a rule but a really helpful guideline First you need a problem a conflict A reason to tell a story Once you have that your plot should be able to be described in seven sentences thuslyExposition we are introduced to the protagonist andor main charactersInciting Incident something happens that kicks off the conflict the whole point of the storyPlot Point 1 because of the inciting incident character sets off to do somethingcorrect the problem etcMidpoint here in film you might see a montage but it's a place where either plot point 1 is resolved or there is a transition in the characters way of thinkingPlot Point 2 often an even bigger issue arises or a twist that changes or accelerates the conflictClimax final showdown or decisions needed to be madeResolution everything comes to an end the conflict is settled in one way or anotherBasically if you can tell your story in this way in seven sentences you'll know that A the main point is clear B that your story doesn't wander too much in different directions and C that you actually have a plot to stand on that you can justify there's enough substance there And since that's a lot of vagueness we'll go with a classic captivedominant story to show how one tells a story in seven sentences Disney's Beauty and the Beast First the main conflictConflict The prince has been turned into a beast and has only a limited time left before he is trapped forever as oneAnd the seven sentence story Exposition Belle is a smart girl who rejects the advances of Gaston as she doesn't want to be stuck in a mundane lifeInciting Incident Belle's father gets lost and captured by the Beast in his castlePlot Point 1 Belle trades her freedom for her father and is prisoner in the castleMidpoint Belle starts to experience feelings for the Beast and is complacentPlot Point 2 Belle's father is sick and the Beast decides to let her go even though he's giving up his chances of being with herClimax Gaston comes with an angry mob to destroy the BeastResolution While Beast lays dying his love for Belle turns him back into a human and he can live with her happily ever after Simple right? Of course other things happen but no doubt you can communicate the main story with just these sentences Okay so let's try 50 Shades which hilariously has had its film rights bought already Conflict Anastasia must decide whether to be with a guy who she thinks is super hot but also scares her This fascinating decision I tell you whatExposition Anastasia is a literary student at WSUInciting Incident Anastasia meets Christian on page 7 and thinks he's hot and mysterious and also frustrating It is clear they both have chemistryPlot Point 1 which is sloppy and all over the place Christian chases her down brings her to his house and shows her he's into SM Also they have sexSorta Midpoint but kind of suished close to Plot Point 1 Anastasia must decide whether to pledge herself to him via contract if she wants to continue seeing him Plot Point 2 Nah she's still deciding and whining about how he's kind of scary but continues to have sex with him throughout this whole time There is no plot point 2Climax Well there isn't really one it's just kind of an all over the place endingeither the complicated sex scene at the end with the hymnal music or him hitting with her with the belt the next morning one of the two I guessResolution She says he's too weird and ends it What a complex thrilling and incredible plot full of depth SHOULD I HAVE CUT THAT FOR SPOILERS? OOPS? Did you even care? If you've gotten this far nopeBut guess what We know that there are two other books and they get together and lesson isn't really learned so AWESOME COOL I guess that's how she gets people to buy the next ones because hot diggedy I can't wait to see them get back together and whine some And let's talk about the sex for a moment Nothing forbidden actually happens that you'll be like ohhhh how scandalous I want to try that For the most part it's pretty much all basic stuff or basic toy play because basically he's taking it easier on her since she's inexperienced Except for the belt part at the end I guess which just doesn't sound funAnd you already heard about the tampon so like that's not even a surprise although imo it's not a big deal anyway Out of all the women having sex on their periods regularly I can guarantee you there are uite a few men that are tasked with taking the tampon out and throwing it aside I was actually upset about the fact that she is sleeping completely naked in a hotel room bed on day two of her period As if that isn't going to be a mess in the morningOkay lest I go on as long as the book you get the point If you want to see my commentary while reading it is below However a few things I cannot stand how much the author being middle aged shows from the point of view of this 21 year old “I'm gonna buy plane ticketson the Internet” ARE YOU NOW? WHOAOOOAOAOA Don't get crazy on us I might be too overwhelmed by this turn of events “I fired up my email” BLAZING SPEEDS REUIRED They actually do the “you hang up” “no you hang up” “no you” that gross couples tend to do And it was expectedly gross Someone on ONTD who liked this book yelled at me because I said that Christian is not a dominant they also said I wasn't 'experienced enough to understand' lol okay like you know who I am anon I still stand by that statement It's not what he's doing it's how he's doing it He is deeply troubled whiny and manipulative and while he does love control it's for the wrong reasons He was abused as a child and sexually abused as a 15 year old and vastly denies it and because of this he justifies his activities as personal preference when he is in fact a bit too fucked up to currently have a relationship He ends up making the naïve Anastasia batshit crazy because he continues to string her along trying to convince her they want the same things instead of getting himself some help He gives her the illusion that she has the choice to back out but then turns around and says ha ha I'm joking but I know where to find you by the way She goes to visit her mother because she needs a break from him to think and what does he do? Flies out there using his roundabout stalker way of finding information about where she's at like he always does to meet up have sex with her and take her out with him She's supposed to be visiting her mother and having time to think yet he can't stay away and makes this about HIM taking her away from time with her mom whom she hasn't seen in 6 months I can't at this selfish fucking bastard because he just can't stay awayIt makes me mad just thinking about someone that clingy Which is another thing that pisses me off almost everything about their whining and relationship conversations reminds me of everything I've hated about past relationships I've had How does ANYONE enjoy this book? How does anyone think that this is sexy that this depicts something they want?I can't evenI cannotAlso I should never have imagined Chuck and Blair from Gossip Girl as the main characters Now everytime I see a commercial for Gossip Girl rage courses through my bodyI'm bored Someone get me out of herePS Did you know that James recently stated she's set the bar for writing pretty high?CoolPlease do yourself a favor and go buy a book of much higher uality plot and writing ohhhh likeModelland

MOBI Å Fifty Shades of Grey ✓ E.L. James

Fifty Shades of GreyAna’s uiet beauty wit and independent spirit Grey admits he wants her too but on his own terms Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes Ana hesitates For all the trappings of success his multinational businesses his vast wealth his loving family Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the n In the words of Miss Steele You need to sort your shit out Grey Good day sir Fifty Shades of Grey like Fifty shades of fucked up nonsense rolls eyes I should get a medal for just finishing this tripe I honestly do NOT feel like revisiting this book and writing a review I’d rather spend the time searching for ways to remove this utter nonsense from my memory However this book is so bad that I feel the need to warn others from this drivel Luckily I did not buy this garbage I do not even know what overcame me to read it and I can only blame a momentary lack of judgment on my partWhat baffles me is the scary fangirlgasm following this book So what’s causing it a hit? I can only come up with ‘twilight’ Doing some research this book was originally posted online as a twilight fanfic Yes a twilight fanfic The fact that this book’s source material isn’t a good piece of literature just shows what you should expect from this book And dubbing it a twilight fanfic and promoting it as such is no doubt raising the bar on the sale figures What has the world come to? headdesk Whatever’s causing its success; I can safely say it can’t be the book itselfEverything you could possibly imagine is wrong with this book The execution and the characters And the writing And the plot wait was there one?? Firstly it has been said a countless number of times how abusive Bella and Edward’s relationship was And it is arguably the most anti feminist portrayal of any relationship FSoG simply continues this unhealthy view and promotes an even abusive and degrading relationship towards women targeting older women and possibly even teenage girls who know no better Oh dear god I hope teenage girls do not jump on this disturbing bandwagon Surely it is degrading to ask a woman to sign a contract where ‘she is now the property of the Dominant to be dealt with as the Dominant pleases’ and ‘submitting herself to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominantwithout hesitation or argument’ – especially when you take into consideration the fact that she would be signing up to something she has not yet experienced and knows little about as she is still a virgin This is not something that should be promoted as desirable or idealistic This book cheapens what feminists have fought for years Don’t get me wrong I wouldn't deprive women of their right to express themselves sexually nor to act upon their desires but I shudder at the thought of women aspiring to a relationship where she will take part in various things that she is not comfortable with and at times even when she’s genuinely in fear of taking part simply because she finds the guy ‘hot’The plot I’m not even sure if there was one 50% of the book is spent talking about sexthe contract and the other 50% is made up of clumsily written sex scenes view spoilerFSoG starts of with Anastasia Steele agreeing to interview the billionaire Christian Grey Miss Steele is instantly captivated by Mr Grey’s dashing looks and within 2 days she falls in love with him Mr Grey for some unfathomable reason can’t keep away from her and reveals to her his secret kinky lifestyle The two spend the rest of the romantic evening calmly discussing the contract that allows him to fuck her senseless She reveals to him that she’s a virgin and his only response he needs to handle that ‘situation’ Really?? The next 4 days he gets to do exactly what he wants he stalks her abuses her and punishes her by spanking her several times uotes that spring to mind – “Please don’t hit medon’t be angry with medon’t want you to spank me” Aww isn’t that romantic? Atleast she finally sees some sense and walks out hide spoiler